The Antidote

Christmas 2014

Dear Esneider,

I think you are so brave to come to a new country, with a new language and new family.  I can’t wait until you learn English even better so that we can fully know what you are thinking.  I can tell that you are a creative, imaginative, passionate person.  It still seems like a dream to have you with us.  We prayed and planned and wanted you for so long and now you are finally here, sharing our lives with us!

I can see already that you are going to become a noble man, working to please God in the same way you try so hard with us.  We are so glad to have you as part of our family.  Things may be a little different than you expected, but we can tell you this:  Matthew will be a good friend for you.  He is loyal, imaginative and noble.  You are very different from him in some ways, but that can be an asset on any team.  Our family is like a team that works together and encourages each other to be his best. 

Older sisters aren’t always home, but when they are, they can be a lot of fun!  Mom and Dad wish we could just have fun and  play more often, but God has given us the very important job of teaching you the lessons that He wants you to learn.  We will always try to do what God says in the Bible because we are ultimately accountable to him.  He loves you as we do.  He gives us families to show us a picture of his love for us.  When we learn to love and obey in a family, we can better love and obey God our father when we become adults.  We are so thankful for you.  I hope that you will soon know how much we love you and that you can trust us to do what is best for you.  We will continue to ask God to help us in parenting you. We thank God for bringing you into our family.  We are so proud of you and how well you are doing.   I love you, Mom

(translated for him by older sister and Google.  Wanted to make sure this one was accurate.)

Whew!

Well, I apologize for not posting for so long.  Two reasons:  I am really just that busy and tired AND it’s tough to decide what to post and what to keep private.  We have experienced many surprises in our journey of adoption. The first of which is that our little boy does not have as many special needs as we expected.  He has ADHD and he is an older adopted child.  As I suspected, his other delays have mostly resolved.  They say children from an orphanage are about 2 years behind, but NOT SO in our case.  He is right on track and ahead of the game on some ways.  He has learned the basics as well as academics pretty quickly. 

At first, as Jeff says, it was a little like having a toddler in a 9 year old body.  The language barrier, the house safety and personal boundary issues, the pet rules, were all the same as we have taught our toddlers.  As much as I resented the term language barrier, I surrender and use it now because it is in fact a barrier.  My flippant catch phrase was always, “It’s not Swahili, it’s Spanish—comprendo?”   Conversational Spanish and even Adoptive Family Spanish—not a problem.  Trying to articulate the complexity of the values and ideas that need to be presented and understood—big challenge.  Thank God for Google Translate.

We have struggled most with the twinning issue.  We are committed to making our situation work, with God’s help, but I would not recommend twinning to anyone considering it.  Our boys are six months apart.  Because of their opposite personalities, we have seen a lot of jealousy on the part of the new one.  Everyone suspects the opposite, but because of Matthew’s nature and special needs, he really has been prepared to share his toys, his parents, his help, everything with a new brother for many months.  Unfortunately, the new brother is not able to share as readily.  I didn’t realize what an issue ownership can produce. Also, with Matthew's needs, we were advised to either get a waiting child because so much information is available about them, or do a hosting/fostering situation first.  This is excellent advice and I pass it on. 

Our new guy has many struggles, but overall, each day is an improvement.  And to follow my previous car analogy, when we do hit a bump in the road, we are at first surprised and then reminded of what a rough road he has had.  We made it through Christmas with only 2 meltdowns.  And thanks to Jen Hatmaker’s post on living with people that sabotage big days, I had a letter prepared to reinforce the fact that we love him and want him and understand his efforts and are so proud of him. (see next/previous post to read the letter--"the Antidote"). I didn’t get ahead of putting the ornaments on the tree, though.  I have never made 5 keepsake ornaments so quickly in all my life as I did the day we decorated the tree and I realized he didn’t have any. 

I am thankful I am homeschooling the boys.  We are intentional about giving them time apart and giving individual attention to each boy.  Spending the day with the boys helps with bonding and keeping consistency.  The social worker suggested sending our new one to school if the relationship between the boys didn’t improve, but we have decided to keep them both home for now.  We will reevaluate each year as we did with the girls.

We are in or near the language bubble phase with older adopted children where they have forgotten about half of their native language and only know about half of their new language.  We have been diligent about being around our bilingual friends and letting him watch videos in both languages, but it is still happening.  It is extra bad because he thinks he understands what we mean, but many times he doesn’t fully understand it correctly and in his defensiveness, everything is taken personally. 

We are still trying to figure out what is situational, what is personality, what is cultural and what is just plain having 2 boys in the house! Some days are downright frightening and some days are just as I imagined when we were dreaming and planning this whole deal.  I hope that anyone reading this feels free to contact me with any specific questions.  I would be more than happy to share from our experience. (celebr8yourlife2@yahoo.com)

The most important thing I can share is to shower them often with acceptance, love, affirmation, and a vision for their bright future.  I have found that to be the answer to most situations have arisen so far.  I will not continue to post because I don’t know how much to share.  I forget about the deep shame that can be associated with adoption since we are coming at it from the desiring, pursuing, choosing side of the situation.  I will wait until I can ask Esneider for permission to share things. 

My Best Souvenir

Well, of course, you don’t get everything done that you want to when you are on a trip.  And no this was not a vacation despite the fun places we did get to see.   I didn’t buy all the Colombian souvenirs that I wanted.  I have read about all of these other adoptive moms that have planned ahead and bought iconic classic pieces of their new child’s culture to give them at significant milestones in their lives.  Not me.  I had my hands full with 2 boys for 4 and a half weeks.  I had brought so many books and toys and games and activities and scooters and food that I could barely get my own stuff back home.  We bought a few things, but what I realized about half way through our trip freed me from the pressure to get all of the perfect souvenirs.

This Boy is Colombia.  It is in him and will be for his entire life, I’m sure.  He is a speeding car driving down the busy road, where stop signs are optional and lane lines are mostly decorative, when present.  He bends the rules and pushes the limits.  He is passionate and expressive to the extreme.  He is always moving like a bustling city.  He is creative and persistent.  He is hopeful and eager, looking to the future. We will have to teach him to follow the rules of the road, but we will definitely let him keep "the model" designed for and given to him.

Cristo Rey--Christ the King

This is the big statue here of Christ looking out over the city.  E went there on a field trip this summer.  He said he prayed to Cristo Rey for a family and then he learned about us, shortly after.


http://www.dronestagr.am/cristo-rey-monument-cali-colombia/

We went to see it last week. We don't believe in worshipping statues, but in the Christ of the bible.  I know some friends who don't even want to look at or talk about idols.  But, I am telling you when we were up on that mountain top, what kept coming to my mind was the part of the Bible about Jesus weeping over Jerusalem. Luke 19:41  I kept thinking of this large city, especially of the poverty, the sadness, the sin, the sorrows, the situation and I weep.  

We are able to enjoy many things, too.  The plants, the birds, the animals, the varied beautiful faces of the people.  The plants are so huge, I feel like I am in "Honey, I  Shrunk the Kids".  Think of tropical houseplants and then imagine them 10 times bigger, growing along the sidewalks and gardens.  I will try to add some pics, but we are taking them on a digital camera and can't upload them because we don't have our laptop.  This is not the least of our technical challenges.  Phone communication is sketchier than we hoped and many movies and internet selections we thought we would have are not fully available here. We can get netflix, but the selection is very limited.  Youtube has come through with some good choices, even available in Spanish.

School is going well and there are many happy moments. E is interested in the bible stories we brought, so that is good.  We have to watch the boys closely, though because the rivalry can flare quickly, especially with the language barrier.  We haven't had any major fits in four days, though, so that makes me happy.  Our case is "going well" which is better than any other myriad of complications that can occur, but it is still difficult waiting for the process.

So far

Well, how do I describe all the excitement?  The sound of two boys playing and laughing is like music to my ears.  The sound of their squabbling or a (rare) fit is like nails on a chalkboard.  It will take some time for E to trust M to share his toys and even his parents.  There is enough for everyone and we will take good care of all with which we are entrusted.  Google translate is a miracle, that's for sure, but I don't think we can get that concept from there.

We are all coming along with the respective new languages.  Waiting to come home is hard, but the people who run this hotel are angels, ministering to adoptive families in any way they can.  From driving us places to ordering supplements and Kleenex from the pharmacy for us, they have done everything;  and they make it clear that they will do anything we want.  The owner is a man after my sales and marketing experienced heart--the answer is always "Yes!"  Even to the request to serve us smaller portions at meal time, which may have been insulting.  The food is too good!

Jeff's back is doing better with exercises, but now mine is acting up!  And Matthew has a fever today. Satan is busy trying to make us miserable, of course.  There is a woman here adopting that has been through far worse, and yet she is such an encouragement to us. The girls have been such a blessing as well, reaching out to her new daughter and helping with the boys.

Everyone remarks how well we and E are doing, so that's good.  I made up a reward system where the boys get points for following the 4 rules we have established.  Each point equals a minute on the IPad, redeemable in increments of 10.  They have both figured out how to manipulate the system, though, so we will probably be phasing that out!  Matthew was calling Esneider's name, just so he would look and get a point and E was getting out of bed last night so he could get one by getting back in when I told him to.

We enjoyed our trip to the world class zoo here, as well as taking in some other places while we are in our son's homeland.  I hope he doesn't think that we always get souvenirs and get to swim every day.

time zone

Jeff says we are on Latin American time so we are slow to update the blog.  ;-) For now, know that all is mostly well and we will post more later.  We can post family pictures  next week.  Thanks for all of your prayers!  Please keep them coming!

Be still my heart!

Well, we met our new son on Skype today. Not my first choice for a first impression, but it was aaahhhmazing!  He was so happy, friendly, social, engaging and KYOOOT!  Just as we expected from the video and all the info we have received.  As Matthew said, "Good thing there was an impersonator"  (interpreter), but we were still able to get a good glimpse of his personality.  He started by saying he wished for a family to Christ the King and his wish came true. And, he said mother was "bonita".

Be still, my heart.  My Spanish response popped right out of my mouth: "Tu eres precioso!"  Hopefully there is more of it in my head that will find its way out when we meet him in person.

He treasures the bilingual photo book of our family we made for him.  He read it to us and referenced it throughout the call.  So adorable! 

He says he's all ready to come and live with us.  He wants to spend a day with Father and he wants to learn to ride the scooter with Matthew.  We weren't allowed to tell him exactly when we are coming, but could only say,  "Llegaremos pronto!"